Did you get what you wanted this year?

- [ Here's a look into the future...At Majority Rules BAD ASS will emerged victorious against Mark Wahlberg. A former Academy Award nominee will meet his demise at the hands of the hottest FTW newcomer since Brandon McDonald. Mr. Wahlberg well be forced to do promotional tours for The Fighter looking like he just was in a fight. For any other movie it wouldn’t work, but for this one BAD ASS granted Mark Wahlberg credibility towards his movie role by helping him. Each wild windmill fist, each rubber chicken floppy kick will give Mark Wahlberg that look needed to properly promote his movie. Much how Anne Hathaway would show up coked up for her Alice in Wonderland tour, or how Mel Gibson would drink, drive, and insult heavily in promotion for The Passion Of The Christ, Mark Wahlberg decided it would be a great example of character acting and promotion to get severely beaten and separated from his conscious in front of wrestling fans. A smart man he is. ] -

- [ So with that win-win situation in-front of him, BAD ASS and crew celebrated (they could do this, BAD ASS is fighting a team that hasn't put forth and effort since the NLWF days) heavy on the strip by sticking to the nickel slots and sneaking free drinks by using Gerald as mature drinker bait. Word has it they even paid for a toothless strip walker to give Lord Virgin a gummer behind a In N’ Out dumpster. He refused to stick his earthworm into her infested slop hole, so he’s still known as Lord Virgin btw. Everyone had a blast, as there was something for every member of the crew. Lord Virgin got a gummer, Gerald lived in the Circus Circus slot machine area, Poof Puff devoured the Bellagio’s huge buffet, Fairy nerded out at GameWorks, AIDS got his ass kicked by a black man for stepping on his shoes and BAD ASS pointed and laughed. See? Fun for all. ] -

- [ It was on the plane ride back from Vegas that Gerald awakened from his fourteen hour slumber mid-flight. Another rude awakening it was as BAD ASS struggled to hold down the squirming flashbacker. Five seconds of screaming and heads turning flipped by as BAD ASS tried to snap the geezer back into reality. Once he did, BAD ASS took a look to the heads facing his direction. ] -

BAD ASS
THE FUCK YOU ALL LOOKIN’ AT!!! CHRONICLES OF NARNIA IS PLAYING!!! A TALKING LION IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SOME POOR OLD FOSSIL HAVING A FLASHBACK, SO FUCK OFF!!!

- [ Being they were sitting in first class, all the snobs on the plane turned their direction to the latest installment of the Narnia saga and ignored any confrontation. A shaken Gerald turned his attention to BAD ASS, giving him a look of endearment that only a grandfather and grandson could share without being viewed as pedophile in nature. Lets pretend they’re related. ] -

Gerald
Thank you my dear boy.

- [ BAD ASS craned his head back, a little creeped out. ] -

BAD ASS
Yeah dude.

- [ Popping his eyes as if a dim, dusty, corroded light bulb inside his head just flickered a couple sparks, Gerald spoke. ] -

Gerald
I just remembered that I got you a deal shortly before you left Vegas.

BAD ASS
No shit? Spill the beans Mummy.

Gerald
A company by the name of ‘Seedless’ I think it is have offered to sponsor you in your upcoming matches.

BAD ASS
Now THAT’S some good news. I can’t wait to rock the green s’s and have all the stoner bitches throwing their pot and poon stank panties at me.

Gerald
Here’s the great part....they’ve offered to give you, get this, FIVE HUNDRED BIG ONES to wear several of their patches on your clothes, say their name at least once during a live broadcast, and do magazine and photo shoots whenever they need you.

- [ Gerald patted a stunned BAD ASS on the shoulder. ] -

Gerald
See? I told you I’d get you the money once you got me outta that retirement home. I’m good for my word.

- [ Nothing but a cold, silent stare from BAD ASS as Gerald smiled on mindlessly, thinking he got the deal of the century. ] -

Gerald
You know, you can thank me...

- [ He couldn’t hold it in any longer. BAD ASS spitted on Gerald’s glasses and started shaking him by his lapel. ] -

BAD ASS
YOU FUCKIN’ OLD IDIOT!!! THIS ISN’T THE 18TH CENTURY!!! WE DON’T TRADE FUR PELTS FOR SLAVES, AND WE DON’T TAKE SHITTY ASS DEALS LIKE THAT!!! FUCK THAT, YOU CANCEL THAT DEAL AS SOON AS WE GET OFF THIS PLANE!!!

- [ Dumbfounded, Gerald looked to the ground, uttering the the hard to swallow truth. People started to look back but there BAD ASS was with his signature mean mug. ] -

Gerald
I could cancel it, but you’re still required to do at least one live bit mentioning them. We’ll probably only make ten bucks off of it but that’s the only real legal obligation.

- [ Wanting so badly to strike a defenseless old man, BAD ASS struggled to maintain his composure as he glared at his wrinkly, depressed face. Needing a buzz to get rid of this burning anger, he flagged down the first stewardess he saw, grabbing two champagnes for himself and a prune juice for the old man. ] -

BAD ASS
FINE. I’ll get that shit over with, then it’s on to the next phase. Please tell me you have some good news out of this sewer tsunami you’ve thrown my way. Like tell me you found anything on Ashtyn Sky other then her favorite hobby being turning tricks in the parking lot

Gerald
There is nothing on her, couldn't find a bio anywhere

BAD ASS
Pffftt!!!! Whut...

- [ Champagne is spewed on the face of Gerald. As Gerald wiped the champagne spittle off his face with his jacket sleeve, BAD ASS slaps himself in the forehead. ] -

BAD ASS
You mean there isn't a data base to pull up info on your favorite hooker? Whatever shall we do?

Gerald
There's a data base for things like that?

BAD ASS
It's Gunther's Home site

Gerald
I gotta get that address from him someday

BAD ASS
Fuck information, I know that she happens to over do it with the make-up, fuck sakes I may as will be fighting Shaggy and Ronald McDonald. Now if she was Ronald, I would have a little more respect for her rather then seeing her as a one-night fuck. Trust me, I watch True Conspiracy with Jesse Ventura

- [ Not one to argue with the delusions of his client, Gerald went with it and changed the subject before the kid went off on some long winded, insulting Ronald rant. Because you know he would’ve. ] -

Gerald
I forgot to tell you BAD ASS that I won’t be able to help you train because I have to fly out tomorrow to meet with representatives from Jack Danie...

BAD ASS
Oh you bet your ass I’m coming along. I wouldn’t pass up a deal with Ol’ Number 7 for all the skins in the world. And I will do the negotiating Mummy. Your sole job from now on is to get the deals in motion, I’ll take everything from there.

Gerald
If you say so.

BAD ASS
No fuck that if you say so. Gas isn’t 60 cents a gallon and candy bars aren’t 5 cents a piece. Get with the times and current inflation before you DARE try to negotiate one of my deals. I got it from here, trust me.

- [ Going silent for awhile, Gerald took a long drink of prune juice as BAD ASS downed his champagne. He then poked his head into the aisle, yelling... ] -

BAD ASS
HEY CUTIE WITH THE FAT ASS AND HIGH HEELS!! MORE CHAM-PAG-NAH!!!

- [ Gettting a look of disgust from the blonde stewardess in return. BAD ASS grinned and popped in his ear buds, cranking up his favorite tune. ] -

THE VERY NEXT DAY...

- [ Laid back as a motherfucka in his black leather conference chair, BAD ASS slouches with sunglasses on, absolutely blazed off his ass. Next to him is Gerald, who looks a little nervous at the fact that his client is lit. He may be covering the bloodshot eyes with sunglasses but he still reeks of high grade chronic. Gerald hopes that with the table distance between themselves and the big wigs that they wouldn’t smell his stank. Or if they did, here’s hoping it wouldn’t affect the negotiations. ] -

- [ Into the stretching, window walled conference room enter three men in suits. Each of them had a little bit of that Chris Cringle look to them-rosy cheeks, big bellies. Was this dress like Santa Claus day at Jack Daniels? Or was this just the usual look for these portly tomato faced men? ] -

Suit 1
Good afternoon gentlemen.

Gerald and BAD ASS
And a good afternoon to you as well gentlemen, glad you could meet with us during this holiday season/Sup

- [ The suits are a little puzzled by the quiet, sunglasses wearing teenager who seems to be a little too comfortable in this area of business. They all pass by Gerald and BAD ASS on the way to their seats, getting Gerald’s heart rate picking up. As they pass by the whiskey can be smelt, although not on first sniff as the men layer it with heavy amounts of cologne. Smelling that terrible combination of whiskey sweat and strong cologne puts Gerald at ease, knowing that they were too busy drowning in their stench to smell anything else. All three took their seats, turning their eyes to BAD ASS. ] -

Suit 1
So, can you tell us a little bit about the young man that wants a sponsorship deal?

Gerald
Let me start off by saying that I don’t want you to be turned off by his name. This young man right here is cutting edge, fresh, with the times, and a true diamond in the rough.

Suit 2
So what’s his name?

Gerald
His name is bad ass.

BAD ASS
BAD ASS

Gerald
Yeah, what he said.

- [ The suits look to each other, conversing quietly amongst each other briefly. Their balding heads huddled together as BAD ASS and Gerald exchange confused glances. ] -

Suit 3
So...you want us to sponsor someone with the name...bad ass?

Gerald
Precisely. I’m under the realization that my client is a bit controversial, but he’s incredibly charismatic and ready for a big name sponsor like Jack Daniels.

- [ There’s a bit of a chuckle amongst the group, wondering if they’re being pranked. An immediate mean mug crosses BAD ASS’s face, looking like he’s ready to beat some ass. A bit of quiet discussing goes on, then the first suit fires back with a bit of a giggle. ] -

Suit 1
We’ll give you 500 bucks to dress as the Jack Daniels bottle and walk through the Lynchberg Christmas Parade.

- [ Disrespect flows heavily as they start laughing, pushing BAD ASS to the point of wanting to leap across the black marble table. Gerald says something and grabs BAD ASS’s arm before it comes to blows. ] -

Gerald
We’ll take it!! Thank you gent....

BAD ASS
HEY MAN FUCK THAT!!!

- [ His outburst gets the suits to quiet, and give him their full attention as he rips himself away from Gerald. Standing tall, he puffs out his chest and speaks his worth. ] -

BAD ASS
You fucks have no idea WHO I AM, OR WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU. SO LISTEN UP BEFORE YOU MISS OUT ON THIS CASH COW.

- [ Suit 2 had his finger firmly on the security buzzer, but he changes his mind at the mention of ‘cash cow’. With JD’s quarterly profits down, they could always use a fresh new celebrity to push their product. ] -

BAD ASS
Glad to see I’ve got your attention. Now, let me tell you about myself. My name is BAD ASS. Nothing more, nothing less. I have multiple sponsorship deals lined up, ready to push this mug. Now you may be wondering, why are they interested in me? Well besides having one of the best agents in Hollywood history backing me, I’m a celebrity killer.

Suit 2
A celebrity killer?

BAD ASS
The very definition of it. In what is my debut, I will have successfully destroyed Vinny from Jersey Shore and a cast-off from HBO's Hooker's Point.

- [ The mention of the reality celebrity gets their attention, piquing their curiosity as well. ] -

Suit 3
You're...going to get in a fight with Vinny?

BAD ASS
Yeah, and I'm gonna fuck him up.

Suit 1
Can we allow that?

BAD ASS
Alright, now I kinda expected that. I’m a professional wrestler, and I happen to compete in a wrestling federation that has global status. Because this federation is so big, they have the ability to sign such big stars as myself, and to a lesser extent, Vinny.

Suit 2
I don’t know if professional wrestling really suits our image...

BAD ASS
Oh trust me, it does

Gerald
It’s true

BAD ASS
Not only will I knock off Vinny, but I'll also take out Snookie to. So you ready to jump on this gravy train or what?

- [ Convening once again, but this time seriously, the old men discuss the possibilities. ] -

Suit 1
Well, you do throw us a hard bargain. Are there any other wrestlers with big sponsorships in FTW?

BAD ASS
Some guy called Nick Ridicule. He’s got a deal with Nike and everything else, but he's retired.

- [ They talk for a final time, and give BAD ASS what he wants. ] -

Suit 1
We’re willing to give you a three year, two hundred thousand a year contract. Take it or leave it.

BAD ASS
Ink it up.

- [ The elderly group walk from around the table, shaking hands with BAD ASS and Gerald and the deal comes to a close. Scene fade black. ] -



What’s up there Snookie? Glad to see you’ve decided to step in line to be all lumped up for the Christmas Day Parade. It seems you’re also on the agenda for the BAD ASS Celebrity Tour which debuts on January 3rd, and I can’t wait to be the man who rids FTW off Jersey Shore cast-offs. And after I’m done beating the make-up off your face, I’m going to expose the white of your facial bones as your pure red blood flows on the mat.

Having the ring name ‘Ashtyn Sky’ didn’t escape me. Right from the get go I knew you used your porn stage name to carry over to professional wrestling. You figured if you dressed like a whore, painted up your face with a half-ton of make-up differently and played the role of the female Biggars, people would never realize your storied past. Well I got google bitch, and as much as I my crew threw up while investigating you it was worth the dirt they dug up. I can’t go into detail as there are children listening to this promo, but his videotaped past involves anal balloon animals, reverse cowboy on a unicycle, and diving into a pool of boy butter. Snookie, you lip licking repulsive slimy snake carpet eater, you make my stomach bubble with homophobia, rage, and the strong urge to listen to Annie Lennox. Just another reason to fuck up a pale pasty ass Picasso looking cane vein drainer like you.

Honestly I could care less about any submission threat your partner Biggars can bring to the table, because honestly that’s all he has. Every match I sit there hoping for a punch, possibly a kick, but all I get is a weak european uppercut at the very most. Besides that he's an aggressive little spider monkey, struggling for submissions like Royce Gracie on meth. His aggressiveness was so effective that even when given a tag-team partner who carries the load, he still failed! I hope you both get bitten by an Brazilian Wandering Spider.

In the battle of the rear naked chokes, rest assure ho, you’re going to sleep. And I won’t let go because I WANT to cause you brain damage. I WANT you to look back on footage of this and know that next time you will never piss off a man of my caliber ever again. Hopefully with a good ten seconds of oxygen deprived from your brain you and Matt will finally get the hint and try the retired life, because the both of you have been stinking up this place far to long. But I know you just won’t take my word and walk away, there’s a multi-billion dollar empire at stake, You’re gonna bring your cock worshiper to ringside to watch your back Sky, and I’ll have my crew of four and FTW's resident door knob.

I got you both neutralized on all fronts. It’s going to take a lot more than submissions to stop a one man army like me, and you’re gonna find that out with every punch, kick, headbutt, elbow, knee strike, slam, bite, poke, and groin smash. I’m a real fighter motherfucker, and there’s only one way this match is going down...with you two going out.