Creating a monster

Well, here we are. Direct His is fast approaching.
One of the biggest, most extreme Revolution shows in all of NLWF. Am I in it?
The hell would I know. I’m just sitting here on the floor doing sit-up while
watching Tosh.O. Damn, he’s funny. I thought Dane Cook was the funniest
guy around. Then I found Jeff Dunham, Russell Brand, and Daniel Tosh. They make
Cook look like a fool…without his pants on the ground. 75…76…77…I wonder if I’m in the Pay-per-view. 82…83…84…It’s
possible, since I’m entitled to a Rising Star Championship Match. 90…91…92…But
then again, Bad Company do know how to screw people over. I mean, look at the
Jobber Heavyweight Championship Match. 98…99…100 I kip up off the ground. Not
bad for 285 lbs. I turn off the TV, since I heard the phone ringing. I look at
the caller I.D. Alison Williams. Unless she’s calling to be serviced, I have no
business with her. I let it ring until the call reached to voicemail.

Leon Lonewolf (voicemail)
Hey, it’s Leon. I’m probably training for my next
match, so please leave a name, message, and a phone number, and I’ll get back
to you A.S.A. P.

-BEEP-

Alison Williams
Hey, Leon. I’m just calling to let you know your
match against Ryan Hawk will take place at Direct Hit. Ryan told me that the
stipulation does not matter so I’m giving you the honor of choosing the
stipulation. Gimme a call when you get this. If it’s good enough, I might give
you a little present.

-BEEP-

Did I hear her right? I get to choose the
stipulation? That was…the biggest treat I was ever given? I know exactly what t
choose. Ryan Hawk, it’ll be you and me in a…a…I don’t know. What kind of stipulation can be so bloody, so
hellacious, that everyone will remember it for years to come? There’s only one
way to find out. CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE!

“It’s the eye of the tiger It’s the thrill of the –“

*record scratches*
Whoa whoa whoa. That’s just not my type of music. Here we
go.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gn2Tk-SAoN0[/youtube]

I grab the keys to my Evo and hit the streets. There
are many indy promotions around here, so I should have no problem finding the
perfect hellacious match, especially since it seems to be Hardcore Week in the
world of wrestling. I head over to a local indy company with a Steel Cage Main
Event. Dangerous and full of blood, but not enough. On to the next one. Tables,
Ladders, and Chairs. Hellacious, but not enough. Again, on to the next show.
Oooh! A Fire Deathmatch. Close, but no cigar. Grrr…finding the perfect match is
so hard. I’m pooped. Who knew searching for the perfect match can be so
energy-consuming. Oh well. I begin heading home. Just my luck. I spent all day
searching for the most extreme match of all and I turn up empty-handed. Oh
well, maybe tomorrow. I pull into my driveway and turn off the car. I step out
and head over to the door to see Mittens guarding the door…in his sleep. I open
the door and pick up the kitten, placing him on the bench near the doorway. I
collapse on the recliner as I turn on the TV. Ninja Warrior on G4. At least
something good came out of this. Tyler
Brownlee comes in and sits on the recliner next to me.

Tyler Brownlee
Hey.

Leon Lonewolf
Hey.

Tyler Brownlee
How’s it going?

Leon Lonewolf
Horrible. After several hours of searching for the
perfect, most extreme match of all, I came up empty-handed.

Tyler Brownlee
Wow. That sucks monkey balls.

Leon Lonewolf
Tell me about it. Steel Cages, TLCs, and Fire
Deathmatches were not enough. I’m not eve motivated enough to get up off this
fucking chair.

Tyler Brownlee
Dude, those are the most dangerous matches of all
time

Leon Lonewolf
I know, but I want more. I want a match so
dangerous, that it takes the word “hardcore” to a whole new level.

Tyler Brownlee
I hear ya. I wish I could help. Wait…what if you
combine all 3 of those matches and then some?

Leon Lonewolf
I don’t know. Wait…what if I combined all 3 of those
matches and then some?

Tyler Brownlee
That’s…just what-

Leon Lonewolf
I’m a genius Thanks, man. You motivated me so much,
I should make you Co-Creator.

Tyler Brownlee
Yeah, you should.

I leaped off the recliner and ran into my room. I
turned on my desk light, grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil and jumped into
my chair. I drew a basic ring, turnbuckles and ring ropes…wait. Scratch that.
No ring ropes, but 100% barbed wire. Then I began drawing the cage. No. No
cage. I want I bigger cage. More like a cell. Yea, a Hell in a Cell structure
with barbed wire…and have the apron engulfed in flames. That’s perfect. And
let’s have a variety of weapons on the cell roof, should they survive the leap
above the inferno. Steel chairs, Sledgehammers. Ladders, Kendo sticks, Tables,
2x4s, and Barb Wired Baseball Bat. It’s genius. But I want more. I want ever
greater stakes. Ahah! I got it. The winner chooses the fate of the loser. It
could be a 30 day suspension, a 60 day suspension, demoted to a janitor,
shipped to a cubical, fired, or nothing. It’s perfect. It’s basically an all or
nothing in the most death-defying matches ever created.

Wait, Knife to Know You has a similar match? Fuck
him. He stole everyone’s favorite emoticon on NLWF.com. I hope Shadow Demon beats
him so badly, he’ll be singing Insane Clown Posse in soprano.

The first victim for this monstrosity: Ryan Hawk.
The NLWF Rising Star Champion. This is the second time we have faced each
other, although I have absolutely no respect for you. You treated me like shit
in Rated Most Hated, taking advantage of me for my newbish nature, and even
kidnapped me and forced me to join. That lost completely all respect to you,
Steve Angel and Corey Casey. The reason I created this match was to make sure
none of us walks out of there by ourselves. Hell, I doubt we’ll walk out of
here alive. So even if I win and decide to fire you, you’ll have to be shipped
out in a matchbox.

I’m surprised you aren’t working with Bad Company.
You are perfect there. Working with Chuck and your old friend Corey. Plus, you
can fuck Alison anytime, anywhere. No matter. After Direct Hit, I doubt you can
even lift a finger much less get a boner. We’re surrounded by pure steel. The
apron is engulfed in flames. There are weapons on the cell roof, but it’s
really difficult to climb up, since the fire will make the steel super-hot. You
can say that this match is pure hell and then some. Safe to say, at least one
of us won’t make it out in one piece

Ryan Hawk..At Revolution

Your life..your career…will take a Direct Hit

The Angel has spoken

And chaos will rain upon you

FTB

Creating a monster

Creating a monster

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